“What the hell? What is with all the umbrellas if the rain doesn’t make you wet? Aren’t they pointless?” Clippy stopped mid-bounce, and a huge grin broke out on her face. “Oh, that’s the ultimate flex. You know you’ve made it when you can spend clams on something as useless as an umbrella.” That figures, in a weird way, I guess. “So, uh, where are we going?” “Look at Mr. Questions over here, not so shy anymore, huh?

I desperately needed a friendly face to show me around this disorientating cyberspace. Still, I hesitated. I had only found Clippy because of directions I followed from a church headed by a serial killing slot machine. Clippy sensed my trepidation. “Come on, dude; I’m just a small piece of bent metal. My job is to hold sheets of paper together and answer questions, and I’m all out of paper.” I squinted, “Alright, Clippy, let’s start this nice and easy.

Expecting the worst, I closed my eyes and pressed the button. Nothing seemed to happen, and I was slowly starting to unclench when I heard a tiny metallic voice behind me. “It looks like you are trying to contact the Newbie Uploads group. Would you like help?” Startled, I turned to find a small paperclip bent into the shape of a robot. “Clippy, is that you? You scared the hell out of me.

As I followed directions to the self-help group, the crowd slowly started to thin. The streets became more expansive, and the buildings spaced further apart. By the time I got to the ‘Newbie Uploads’ mark on the map, I was in what felt like an abandoned industrial park. The only unmistakable landmark was a large steel form that twisted itself out of the ground. Shrugging, I wandered over to get a closer look.

I exited Tattersall’s church while looking down at little drops of water landing on the self-help flyer. I instinctively started to look up at the sky. A man carrying a briefcase and an umbrella pushed past, ‘Whoah! Watch it, newbie.’ I took a step back; it must have been rush hour because I was in a laneway, and it was packed. Another glance down and, judging by the little map on the flyer, I figured the self-help group was to the right.

The clerk continued, ‘I know you are a new upload; there are lots of little tells - but the biggest and most glaring is that you don’t have a hardware wallet.’ It must have been my slack-jawed expression because without skipping a beat, the clerk lent below the counter and retrieved a briefcase. ‘This is my hardware wallet,’ she explained, and she clicked it open to reveal electronics and pumps breathing life into an aquarium filled with clams.

I still felt off-balance and a little confused, so I asked the clerk, ‘What was all that stuff about human desire? Is this it? An ice cream?’ The clerk chuckled, ‘Oh no. There is an entirely different gift shop for that. I’ve never been inside; it’s more like a bank vault. Very well secured.’ I took another scoop from the sundae, ‘And the death thing? That was all for show? A bit of theatrics?

Disorientated by the color of the gift shop, I didn’t even notice the clerk until she announced her presence, ‘Hello pilgrim, it looks like the creator has re-weighed your algorithm.’ You’ve gotta be kidding; weights? Algorithms? What the hell is this place? My frustration leaked into my tone, and I snapped, ‘A slot machine almost killed me!’ The clerk radiated patience and gently asked, ‘Did you get a receipt from the creator?

It was easy to find the ‘creator’; a giant slot machine stood in an otherwise bare room. I reached up, pulled down on the lever, and the creator whirred like a fine Swiss clock. The first reel slowed to a stop - a skull - crap. Then another skull. Uh-oh. I don’t think this is winning all my desires. The third reel clunked to a stop, and I started yelling, “Wait!

The robotic priest continued, ‘If you’d like to enter Tattersall’s raffle, take the stairs to the left and descend to the crypt. There you will meet the creator.’ I needed reassurance before going into this robot’s dungeon, ‘Then what happens?’ The robotic priest elaborated with his metallic voice, ‘You only get one entry, and there is a chance you win all your desires, but also a chance you’ll lose everything.’

When I entered the cathedral, a robotic priest jolted awake. He welcomed me with a metallic voice, ‘Greetings pilgrim, are you here for death or ice cream?’ What the hell? Ice cream? It’s not even hot, and I definitely don’t want death; I thought cyberspace was my ticket to immortality? After gathering myself, I explained, ‘Uhhh, I just need some clams so I can pay a guy.’ ‘Tattersall’s Church is here to fulfill human desire,’ the priest replied.

I was utterly lost in thought when I bumped into @skap_ande. I must have been muttering about clams because he asked, ‘Death or ice cream?’ ‘What?’ I stammered. Anders pointed to a large cathedral across the street and elaborated, ‘Why don’t you try the clam raffle over at Tattersall’s Church?’ As he continued on his way, he made a crucifix gesture with his hands and called back, ‘In chance we trust!

Frank got angry when I handed him thirty dollars for a privacy chip. He started to rant about ‘fiat’ and that he needed actual clams before he could chip me. What the hell? Cyberspace is weird. Now I gotta get my hands on clams, like from the sea. There are a couple of ways I could do it, sell some merchandise or land a sponsorship deal. Use the comments to lend a hand; how should I earn some clams?

Today I’m with Frank from CyberDNA, and he’s the one who is going to help me unlock full cyberspace citizenship. Frank reckons it won’t hurt at all, just a slight tingling sensation along the back of my neck. Buuuuttt if I swing him 30 clams, he can chip my profile for privacy. It sounds a little sketchy, but I should chip, right? #dalle #openai #choosetheadventure

My cyberspace visa arrived this morning! My current status is ‘unverified alien,’ apparently, to unlock full citizenship, I gotta get my DNA ‘cryptographically verified by the blockchain.’ I have no idea what that means, LOL. Sounds painful, what do you reckon? Should I do it? #dalle #openai #choosetheadventure

Welcome to the world of tomorrow. I finally got on the list!! I’m with the good people down at OpenAI, and they are fully uploading me onto the mainframe. It’s a trip, y’all - living forever in cyberspace? But I’m gonna share it all with you; our influencer future is now. #dalle #openai #choosetheadventure